Hell's Sandvich
by CatBalls
Summary: An epic battle for the ages. Drama, suffering, misery, pain. Purple Monkey Dishwasher is a heartcrunching tale of The Heavy, Valentine Vivindi Loveheart Lavender, Tails, and mysterious strangers.
1. The Beginning of The End

It was a dark and stormy night. The Heavy and the Soldier were in the BLU base, eating lunch. The Heavy opened his lunch box; inside was a Sandvich, gleaming with its golden crumbs and juicy meat. The lettuce slowly crinkled with the elegance of a Russian Ballet Tomatoes were luciously red and sliced with perfection. The Cheese shined with the brilliance of a thousand suns and a million happy babies. The Pickles were very happy olive, attached via toothpick, gave this heavenly sandvich to kill literal armies of men easily in only 12 seconds. The Soldier was eating Captain America's shield.

They were leisurely consuming the wonderful cuisine, when suddenly there was a crash of deafening thunder. This thunder was different... it crashed repetively; angrily. Suddenly, the ceiling caved in and the tile floor caught on fire.

The Dastardly Edward Cullen with his sickly pale skin and leering saffron eyes used his magical powers to snatch the precious sandvich out of the Heavy's muscular fingers. The Soldier screamed in pitiful agony as Edward took to the inky sky. With an evil laugh, he snorted 'Mufufufufufufufu'.

The Heavy swore revenge for his priceless sandvich. He siezed the Soldier's Rocket Launcher, and aimed towards the ground. "TELL THEM I WILL RETURN WITH HEES HEAAD." The Soldier saluted with a mournful stance as the Heavy blasted into the sky, using the Rocket Launcher as a propulsion device. He slowly caught up to Edward Cullen in the stormy sky, and punched him in the skull.

"That was incredibly painful! But you'll never be able to escape my Blood Typhoon Attack!" He raised his wrists, and took out a kitchen knife. With a single swift movement, he slashed at his arms and wrists, and a torrent of blood spewed out, propelling him even further at jet-plane speed.

Meanwhile, the Heavy was drowning in the vampire boy's sickly dark blood. However, at the last milisecond, he fired all four Soldier Missles into the hurricane of red body fluids and held Edward Cullen in a Full Nelson. The heat of the Explosion solidified the blood, and the Heavy suplexed Edward into a jiggly mass of his own gore at the speed of light.

The resulting force created a Quantum Time Rift Black Hole that inevitably sucked the two fighters into its inky purple depths. There was a flash of bright white light. The Heavy and Edward found themselves at the pearly gates of Heaven.

In his glistening white robes, a stout man stood at the tall gates. A stern look on his face, with the wisdom of a thousand wizards, this man had an air of rugged elegance. His robe was stained with blood. Rotten body parts lay strewn among the fluffy clouds of the afterlife. Frank West had appeared to the two mortals.

'Uncle...' Edward said with a great sadness in his eyes. Frank West said 'You're an idiot. Even your mother thinks you're useless! I've covered wars, you know.'

The Heavy had an apathetic faceskin. He promptly punched Frank West who was actually God. Instead of plummeting into next week, Frank slowly got to his feet and smashed The Heavy and Edward Cullen across the 47 dimensions of Heaven. Suddenly, Stephanie Meyer ascended from the 10th Circle of Hell.

Her eyes brimmed with tears. 'How... dare you accuse me of hating my son! I love him! He is my only child!' She summoned millions of lines of garbled text from the lowest levels of Hell. They bounded together to form the original Draft of Twilight. She summoned her pen made of Manticore Bone, Orphan Tears, and 12-foot penis.

With a cunning look in her third eye, she swiftly wrote 'Frank West' into the Manuscript. Frank West fell to his knees, clutching his neck. It seemed as if all hope was lost, when suddenly the Blue Power Ranger appeared to him in a vision. "You must fight on! Believe in the power of love!"

He suddenly pulled a 3-DS out of his pants and opened the clamshell-style device. "Is your body ready?"

Stephanie Meyer was sucked into the endless vortex of the 3-DS, and her last words were "MY BODY WASN'T REAAADY!" Edward Cullen trudged forward, crying feminine tears. "My mother is dead! I shall have my revenge!"

The Heavy promptly punched Edward's skull off of the base of his spine. Suddenly, demons groped his legs and started to drag him down into Hell. His vertebrae shrieked in agony, but Frank West and the Heavy stood there, making everyone in the immediate vincity very uncomfortable.

The Heavy returned to the BLU base with Edward Cullen's head. His appetite for revenge was satisfied, but his appetite for food was not. A lone Sandvich lay by Satan's side at his unholy throne and Hell rumbled with anger and despair. The sky rained fire and brimstone, and the rivers and seas were run with blood.

To be Continued.


	2. A Foxy Dillema

It was a beautiful summer's evening. BLU Heavy and BLU Soldier were enjoying a hearty breakfast. However, the Heavy's heart was not hearty, and he did not get to eat lunch the other day. "OHOHOOO..HOW COULD THEES HAPPEN?" The Soldier scowled. "WE FAILED, MEN."

"SOLDIER... GIVE ME YOUR ROCKET LAUNCHER!" He fired missles into the Earth, and the two warriors found themselves at the Gates of Hell. However, before any potential DEscending could occur, the Devil himself crashed in from the floor, taking to the putrid air with his wrinkley wings. He was approxamitely 400 metres tall.

"Looking for this, baldy?" Provocatively cocking the Sandwich in his left hand, he raised his right, and tore off his face. The facial skin was actually a mask, and he revealed himself to be Gary Oak. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" yelled the Soldier. "DO THESE LITTLE BABBIES WANT TO FIGHT?" The Heavy readied his Sasha. He fired into the inky red darkness, but outright missed because Gary Oak dodged out of the way.

"Bring it on, asshole! Let your stomach do all the talking!" He tossed the Sandvich into the nearest firepit, burning it into crispy ashes. Heavy began to rage; his eyes bulged 2 inches out, and his face turned a deep shade of purple crimson. Heavy ripped Gary Oak's face off... revealing him as the RED Spy!

Soldier took off his mask as well, revealing himself... as the RED Scout! He took great big gulping breaths of sulfurous air. "We've got the Sandwich, dumpass! I'm not even winded! BOINK" RED Scout smashed The Sandman into the Heavy's gut, propelling him up towards the surface, where he found himself at the base.

Pyro was there, waiting for Heavy.

"Mmmphphphphmmmhmhmph."

"YES, I KNOW. I HAVE FAILED."

"mmmmmPPGHGHGHGHGHPHHHHH."

"IT HAS FALLEN INTO THE FLAMES. WE HAVE LOST. SOLDIER WAS ACTUALLY RED SCOUT."

"MMMMMMPAAAAAAAH"

Pyro took off his mask and deflated his fatsuit, revealing himself to be MILES "TAILS" PROWER who was actually A GIRL. "Get up! If you don't, I'll burn your penis off with my flamethrower! Jeez, this reminds me of BACK IN THE DAY WHEN SONIC AND I USED TO HANG OUT..."

Her eyes lost focus as she remembered back to the days when she and Sonic the Hedgehog would explore the world in search of Chaos Emeralds and saving little baby animals from the clutches of Dr. Robotnik's evil machines.

However, Sonic never knew that Tails was actually a girl, and when Tails entered puberty and formed feminine features like breasts, Sonic brutally raped Tails and later killed Amy Rose with a bottle of cooking oil and a flamethrower. He first sliced off her hands with piano wire, and then doused her and watched as she slowly burned to death in horrible agony. However, Tails stayed by Sonic's side, but was never the same again and was raped every night while in Sonic's company.

Tail's increasing height and weight eventually made it more and more difficult for her to fly using her twin tails, and eventually Tails gave up any hope of taking to the sky ever again. Sonic, having realized that he was wanted for murder, became dangerous and unpredictable, and later got addicted to shrooms. One night, in his drug-induced rage, he ripped Tails' second tail from her body, and hung himself from a yew tree using his best friend's fluffy yellow tail.

Shadow the Hedgehog found Tails burying Sonic's body at the same Yew tree. He offered her shelter and food, but he was actually forcing Tails into a brothel he owned, wrongfully forcing her into debt for helping her. She worked as a prostitute alongside Cream the Rabbit, Blaze the Cat, Silver the Hedgehog, and Princess Elise, who had all been wrongfully indebted by Shadow.

However, one day, Rouge the Bat and Knuckles the Hedgehog rode in on flaming motercycles and stormed the bordello. Having turned to a life of crime when Angel Island was bombed by Robotnik and the Master Emerald and Chaos Emeralds incinerated, they killed Robotnik for good and stole all of his money and machinery. They had sold their souls to the _true _Satan in exchange for eternal life and flaming ghost motorcycles.** (AN: The Gary Oak/Red Spy Satan earlier in the chapter was an imposter; The **_**true**_** Satan is in the 10th level of Hell. Stephanie Meyer was roomies with Satan until she got sucked into Frank West's 3D-S) **They set the whores free, took all of Shadow's currency and jewels, and went on their way.

In her depression, feeling as if she had no purpose in life, Tails began to cut herself and contemplated suicide. However, she later got into pyromechanics and became an avid Pyromaniac, inspired by Sonic's murdering of Amy Rose. Tails was wanted by the law for arson and mass homocide and was fleeing to Canada when the BLU team accepted her into their team and put her arsonist skills to use.

Coming back from her small flashback, Tails gave Heavy her lunch. "I'm going to go burn some orphanages down. Do you want to come with me?" she asked with a serene smile. "NO... I MUST MAKE A NEW SANDVICH." He trudged toward the base kitchen, and got together new ingredients to make a new Sandvich. He made one and ate it with ferocity and happiness. A single tear fell from Heavy's right eye, and his day was finally complete.

Meanwhile, there some bodacious tomfoolery up and about. While the Team Fortress may be secure and all may be well, there was an ominous scent on the wind. It smelled like fish and mushrooms.

A mysterious stranger in a top hat and a mustache watched from many miles away. Actually, no. That was a lie. It was TWO mysterious strangers, adjusting their dress shirts and checking their watches. A man with a bowler hat and monacle who was dressed in blue said ,with a thick British accent, to his friend to the left: "Master Mario, I feel as if the time is coming soon for us to call in the cavalry. The sandwich ruse... was the perfect distraction."

The man in a top hat and mustache who dressed in red replied, in a thick Italian accent, to his friend to the right: "Mister-a Megaman, I think that you are-a right!" He held an old timey telescope in his hands. "Soon, we will-a have enough power to start up our-a time machine! And then we will rule-a the world! This is not a dream! We are-a the stars-... This time, it's us!"

To be continued.


End file.
